Once dating violence happens, there are a few sensible ways people can respond, says Huo Liqin, a psychologist with Peking University.
"It is imperative that two parties in the relationship to have a quality talk right after the first instance when they still have feelings for each other," says Huo.
A three-step communication method may help:
First, the two people involved should share their feelings, says Huo. "Tell your partner how shocked and heartbroken you are. If there are uncertainties about the relationship, you should tell your partner as well."
Second, it is important for the abuser to talk. The victim needs to be a good listener at this point and try to pinpoint what made their partner so angry, Huo says. For example, a quarrel may start over the furniture but the girl moves to say she is very disappointed with the boy's low-paid job. And that may be the straw leading to the outburst.
Third, the two should find a way to avoid escalating arguments and preventing abuse. For example, when the boy is very angry and on verge of explosion, he could make a gesture to the girl. The girl then, receiving the signal, should stop talking. Or, when the girl finds his boyfriend looks very angry and about to attack, leave the room. They can get back to discussion after calming down.
Huo pointed that those with violent tendencies are often poor communicators. "They can't convince their partner see things the way they do. They get angry and attack," she says. "It is important for the victim to listen, and help the abuser improve their communication skills. Otherwise, when they have children, he may be abusive to them."
When dating violence becomes a cycle, as in Ningning's case, getting professional help is vital, says Hou Zhiming, a psychologist at the Beijing Maple Women's Psychological Counseling Center.
Ningning went to the center for help before the wedding. Hou recalls that deep in her heart, Ningning did not want to give up the relationship. What she wanted was a change in her fiance's attitude and behavior.
After investigating Ningning's case, Hou found that her fiance was often beaten by his father as a child, which may have been a factor in his own violent behavior. Now he is violent in the intimate relationship, but he is not violent at workplace, which means he could control himself, leaving possibility for changes.
Unfortunately, Ningning's fiance was reluctant to participate in the center's anti-abuse program, only showing up to the six-session program once. They continued dating for some time after the program, but eventually split up.
"Women should do more to learn about their boyfriends when dating," Hou says.
"If a man grows up in a family where parents hit each other and beat the children, and he himself always wants to tell his girlfriend what to do, this man is likely to have a violent tendency. In that case, leave him," says Hou.
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